Dear Damn Diary
by etErnalroSe09
Summary: Komui has forced all the exorcists together to write diaries. Then the Noahs decide to join in on a temporary truce! Peek in on the characters' thoughts and feelings. Some cursing inside.
1. Chapter 1: a samurai's rants

A/N:…..fried brain does not know what to write. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I do not own DGM, as I have said so many times before.

No. 1: A Samurai's Rant

What the fuck. I am not going to write "dear diary" on this crap of a notebook like the moyashi insisted. He has insisted a hell lot of things already. So has Komui. HE was the one who insisted I write a DIARY. To hell with that. He said it would be a better report on our daily lives or some shit like that. When I refused he said to look at this as just another mission or like it was a report for another mission. I hate goddamn paperwork already, that baka does not need to remind me. Then he said I should express my feelings in this shit since I refused to talk about them with anyone.

Who cares. Feelings are stupid and useless. And yeah, I do so talk about my damn feelings. I tell the moyashi I hate him and that he pisses me off practically every time I see his scrawny ass. Same with the usagi. I also try to skewer them with Mugen. It will serve them right. But then Lenalee comes and stops me. If there is one thing I won't hit, it is a woman. That is just cowardly. To hit someone weaker than you.

Damn. Lenalee just peeked over my shoulder at that. She looks like she is going to cry. She hates being called weak. I hate people crying. Especially if it's girls. So for her sake (to get her to stop crying) I will add this: it is cowardly to hit woman who are NOT (all necessarily) WEAK because we are taught to protect them.

_Thanks Kanda. -Lenalee _

Che. Whatever. Just leave me alone already. Well whatever. Komui is holding a stupid goddamn meeting to share what we've written. Who gives a shit about that.

One day I will rip up and flush this stupid book.

(After the meeting)

Komui disapproves of my language apparently. If you don't like it, then don't snatch this stupid diary from me and read it aloud or pass it around to the other Exorcists. No I am not claiming ownership of this shitty crap. And if it is not PROPER to use vulgarities, why he fuck are they even made? Stupid.

I am going to eat now, because I cannot stand to see the moyashi stuff his face with food, so I wait until he is not there. It is just sick, I tell you, to CRAM all that shit in your mouth that quickly. And the baka usagi GOADS him to eat faster. Ew. It is enough to make ANYONE nauseous. I don't think it can even be called eating.

So whatever. I want my soba now.

Ps. The moyashi says I should not sign off by writing that I will drown this stupid shit in toilet bowl water. He said to use 'love,' or 'sincerely'. What is there to be sincere about, let me ask.

UNsincerely,  
Kanda Yu

Ps again usagi, moyashi, if you have stolen this and are reading, I will rip off your reproductive organs and feed it to the fatass of the earl

A/N: If you people don't review, **I **will rip off **YOUR **reproductive organs and feed it to the fatass of the Earl. Just so you know.

~etErnal


	2. Crimes of a rabbit and beansprout

A/N: Next chappie since I'm bored already and have it all typed out in my iPod anyway. Can't wait for dance (CCA practice) later. Enjoy!

This is dedicated to LadyMimi101. Thks for reviewing and yep, I might consider having some chapters in story format. Again, ENJOY!

Disclaimer: The day I own DGM will be when Leverrier celebrates valentines day every freaking day ESPECIALLY with the Noahs.

* * *

Number 2: Crimes of a rabbit and beansprout

* * *

OMGs diary!  
My man ego has been seriously injured. This is a CRIME. A CRIME. And my heart aches over the fact that little ol' moyashi-chan betrayed me. That traitor.

So anyway, this is what happened. I suggested to Allen we sneak in Lenalee's room to err...acquire... Useful material. And he REFUSED. *sob*. First act of sin. So then I told him to just stand guard at the door for me and stood him there got guarding. Then I went to ransack Lenalee's drawer. The ones she keeps UNDERWEAR in. *nosebleed* I mean, come on. She had LACE. Pink lace. I think I almost gagged. So anyway, as I was going through these um, fascinating objects, I heard footsteps. Those footsteps stopped outside the door and my heart froze like in all those stupid horror and yet somehow romance novels (stolen yet once again) from Lenalee. Dear diary, it gets worse.

Then I heard voices. I put my ear to the door and heard Allen and LENALEE's conversation. It goes something like this.

Lenalee: hi there Allen-kun!  
Allen: uh*jumps startledly* uh, hi Lenalee.  
Lenalee: what are you doing outside my door?  
Allen: uh... Nothing-just warning you there is a trespasser in your room-um-gotta go

And that TRAITOR just LEFT me there. Diary, I am literally weeping over this painful betrayal. It hurts to the core, I tell ya. Then Lenalee flung open the door and caught me red handed with a handful of pink frilly panties. Oops.

And well, it REALLY HURT. Her dark boots should be confiscated.

For a moment there, I thought I was a woman.

It really really REALLY hurts.

...

...I think my crotch is throbbing under the ice packs at the mere thought of that kick.

...I think my dick is going to bruise.

...

... OHMYGODS what if it's BROKEN? Oh my god, please please please let my tortured organ live. How else am I going to pee? Or have sex. Or get babies (not that I want any)?!

... It doesn't really feel broken.

... At least I think so.

...

I really hope so.

... That sprout is going to GET it, I swear. I WILL have my revenge! I will make you suffer too! I will make you feel my pain! Bwahahahaha!

I know- I'll get a komurin to chase Allen around.

I wonder if Komui will have it programmed to my voice. Yes!

* * *

-break-

* * *

I'm baaaaack. And my lovely plan for revenge is thwarted! How dare Komui have a meeting to exchange diaries and see what other Exorcists have written! Allen has gagged me (so I can't activate anything voice-programmed) and Lenalee is not letting me near Komui. Hell, she's not letting ANYTHING but paperwork near him.

Speaking about Komurins, when Komui read that I had DEFILED his sister and violated her privacy with that underwear thing, he strangled me. I swear I caught a glimpse of hell before coming back. I was THAT dead. Then he apparently threw me out the window-or tried to. I don't know, I blacked out. =_= Anyway, he is violating OUR piracy by having a read-out session whatever it's called. Next week we shall have to write comments in each other's diary. Boo Komui! Give us a vacation instead!

Panda is calling me to memorise more dumb-and-boring facts. Till next time, diary.

Adieu!  
Lavi Bookman (apprentice)

A/N: Do review, or I might just come around with a Komurin and wreck everything!

How about I bribe you? Like, with a virtual Llama or something?

LadyMimi101, I give you a cookie for reviewing my first chapter.

Anyone else want a cookie? Hmm? Come on, You can't say no to a chocolate cookie!

Come on, you can even tell me which character's diary you want to read next! You can even request pairings

….now I just sound really desperate. WHATEVER, I'm not. You can keep your reviews.

~etErnal is out


	3. Chapter 3:A Brit's Lists

A/N: Here we are:Dear Damn Diary 3. so sorry it wasn't uploaded earlier. My apologies, LadyMimi101. Again, this is dedicated to you. Enjoy!

Disclaimer:Do not own, blabla. Just read it.

* * *

A Brit's lists

* * *

Dear Diary,

Today has been a pain. Here, I've been compiling a list:

Number of times BaKanda has called me moyashi today: 16

Number of times BaKanda has called me baka today: 11

Number of times BaKanda has called me some other expletive today: 5

Number of times BaKanda has insulted me in total today: 32

Number of times I have insulted BaKanda today: 28

Number of times I have to get away with calling him BaKanda to even the score for today: 4

Number of times I have to get away with calling him BaKanda to one-up him today and win a bet with Lavi that BaKanda is more irritating: 5

I WILL WIN MY FREE LUNCH!

Number of times Neah has insulted my height today: 4

Number of times Neah has insulted my intellect today: 5

Number of times Neah has likened the earl's physical appearance to that of a walking mushmellow today: 7

Number of times Neah has suggested today I skewer the earl like BaKanda does to Akuma just so that he goes 'pop': 13

Number of times Neah has insulted ANYONE (I will NOT start on anyTHING) I have walked past today: 10

Number of times I have convinced myself I am insane to hear voices (just one, really) in my head today (just an annoying Noah): 36

I think I AM going to go crazy.

Number of times Link has insisted I follow him somewhere today: 14

Number of times I have caught him staring eerily at me today: 21

Number of times he has written down a weird habit of mine: 34

Do I really have that many weird habits?

...on second thought, no, Bakanda, I do not need your opinion on this.

Number of times I have convinced myself that Link is stalking me today: 69

**OH MY EFFING SHIT BEANSPROUTY**

Lavi, can I have my diary back? And why are you text-shouting?

**69696969696969696969!**

Yes Lavi, it is a number. What about it?

**IT'S A CODE FOR DOUBLE ORAL!**

...Lavi, how do you know this? It is just sick.

**BEANIE AND TWO-DOTS SITIN' IN A TREE. F-U-C-K-I-N-**

Lavi, if you don't shut up and give me my diary back, I swear to Crown Clown that that fork goes up your ass.

Anyway, what sort of nick-name is that? Beansprouty? Beanie?

**That's what Yu calls you.**

...I don't see how that's related to "moyashi"

**Allen, moyashi IS beansprout.**

...

**You mean all this time you didn't KNOW?!**

...

**Gosh moya-**

Lavi, that fork is going to go up your-

**Bye!**

...

Number of times I have contemplated getting the recipe for rabbit stew from Bakanda today: 17

* * *

Sorry about that break. Komui decided to have an impromptu meeting to share about our day via diary. You know, it's greeting really weird and sort-of funny because now Link isn't the only one dribbling furiously down on a notebook. We all are-the exorcists, I mean.

And this is really creepy- Number of love letters I have received as of today: 11

Do I have a stalker or something? Well, other than Link, of course. And I Can't very well say that man is inclined to send me anything of this sort. In fact, he was the first one I asked about this. He just gave me this odd LOOK and scribbled something down in his notebook.

Love,

Allen Walker

A/N: in case you all didn't notice, the **BOLD **was Lavi writing in Allen's diary.

Feeling a bit down 'cause my parents had to cancel the rescheduled trip to Bali AGAIN as my little sis is sick. She's 1and1/2 years old if you must ask. And yes, that is a more-than-10-years-gap between us. But I have a younger bro who is 3 years younger than me. And really annoying. Anyway, I'm also sort of down because my only two true friends are out of the country. So I'm all alone. My other friend is probably in Finland already, because of studies. So yeah, pretty anti-social doesn't really help sometimes, yeah? So maybe you readers could leave a review or PM, hm? *turns on vague puppy-dog-expression*


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